You know those dreams when you’re running really fast but not going anywhere? Or you’re going somewhere, but at an agonizingly slow pace? I hate those dreams. Well that’s what my life feels like, and I know I’m not the first person to feel that way.
(cue unoriginal venting music)
(I’m not sure what that would be, though…)
(forget it–no music)
Even after the shake-up of the last year; even after I hit rock bottom and thought “well there’s nowhere to go but up,” I haven’t really changed anything. And now that I’m aware of that, I’ve noticed the unproductive and seemingly never-ending cycle of day-after-day failures and victories. Over a long period of time, it seems nothing ever really changes.
I’ve never really changed.
The last year went as well as I could have expected (after the chaos), but I vowed to step it up this next year by working harder, being kinder, and both eating and drinking healthier. I wanted to teach better, parent better, look better, and sing better. Easy! Go Team Me!!
I started this summer well. I wrote curriculum, started working out, played with my kids, and switched out alcohol for tea. I was awesome, relatively speaking.
It didn’t last.
It’s late August now and I’m an irritable hag.
–I’ve completely lost the ability to focus on anything and have done no prep work for a month.
–All that exercising means SEVEN PAIRS of my pants are too tight now.
–I have no patience for my kids, or, more specifically the noise/mess/requests they carry with them at all times.
— My singing sucks lately. This is bad. Nothing makes me happier than singing, and even that sucks. I swear I sang better with bourbon (or at least I thought I did).
They could be managed individually, but together they’re a mean combination. In typical “my life” fashion, exercising and giving up alcohol made me gain weight and trashed my voice, which then stressed me out and turned me into an irritable bitch, which made it nearly impossible to focus and get work done. That was my summer in a nutshell.
Everything I hoped to accomplish this summer backfired.
Every time I try to become a better person, I fail. I can’t seem to change. I always come back to this status quo of “not quite good enough.”
We all have default personality traits and I’m realizing I was just born with some less-than-desirable ones (until ill-tempered women with no work ethic are rightly valued in society!). Trying to change them is brutally hard and really, REALLY frustrating.
So I guess what I’m wondering here is that unoriginal but important question: can people really CHANGE? I mean REALLY change. Can I learn to focus? Can I develop a kick-ass work ethic? Can I drink without over-drinking? Can I be truly kind? Can I be a great mom? Will I ever fit into those pants again?***
I’m starting to think I can’t change, as much as I want to. And trust me: I REALLY want to change. I don’t want to look back in 50 years and see the same screw-ups over and over again, all resulting in years of frustration and stagnancy. I have this sinking feeling that I’ll be writing a blog post when I’m nearing 90 and writing the same things I’m writing right now.
I know what I want my life to be like, but I just can’t seem to get there. I keep defaulting back to everything I don’t want to be. Every time.
If nothing else, I’ve learned a lot about myself this summer. I’ve learned that to succeed in life, I need to drink bourbon, stop exercising, and swear off pants.
(I’m joking. I won’t actually do that…too much)
***To answer the pants question: NO. I’ve renamed the 7 pairs of pants Forever Unattainable, Confidence-Killing Elastic-Requiring Slacks…it’s all about the acronym at this point.
…but at least his pants fit.