This is a brain free-for-all. That’s the only warning you get. This is me, uncensored, unedited, free.
I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions in January. I do a “WORD OF THE YEAR.” I’ve kept record of what my words of the year were:
2014: lululu (loosen up, lighten up, listen up)
2015: “Prove it”
2016: Prove it part II (you say you’re a good teacher/singer/mother? PROVE IT for once)
Pre-flection is looking at the future and deciding how you want to look back on what’s about to happen. That’s a mouthful, but it’s awesome. Driving to a social gathering, I ask myself “when I’m driving home, what do I want to be able to look back and see?” Sounds crazy, but it works.
Preflection is awesome. You’re reflecting in advance, and then changing your behavior to match what you want to put out there. So I’m preflecting on what I want the rest of this month/fall/year to look like. I want to look back and say “damn, I was LOW at that point but I stood back up and finished so strong. I PROVED IT, because I gained PERSPECTIVE, used wisdom, and LULULUed (yay for previous words of the year!!). Contentment can kiss my ass. I’m not content to stay where I am. YET.
So with that being said, looking ahead to the week, I knew what I wanted to see. So I did it: I applied to several schools, got an interview, and got a job. This was late last week.
It starts in a couple weeks, it’s part-time, and it’s close. It’s in an established public district, and already has the materials I need.
Perfect, right? YES, it is. I KNOW this is a complete about-face from the last position, and I KNOW I can do well here.
Am I still terrified? Yes. It’s funny because I’m not terrified of anyone but myself. I’ve gone unanswered, unchallenged for 13 years. I’ve had no deadlines, no work ethic, and no demands from anyone over a couple feet tall. I have to prepare, and I have to focus.
OH MY GOSH I HAVE NO ABILITY TO FOCUS ON ANYTHING. My scattered thinking, left undisciplined for over a decade is more scattered than ever. FOCUS! PREPARE! You know: WORK!! I have TWO WEEKS before I step back into a classroom, and I have a LOT to do to prepare.
So I’m preflecting on the next two weeks. I’m preflecting on that first day back to a job that destroyed me just a few weeks ago. What do I want to see? A woman who sat on her ass and didn’t prepare? A woman who complained about her situation? NOPE. I want to look back on these two weeks and see a fighter. I failed. I know that now. But I can learn from it. And these next two weeks are my chance to prove it.
FAIL is a great word.
Now it’s time to get my ass in gear. I’m not about to fail twice. Time to SAIL (Second Attempt In Learning).
So it’s time to jump the wake again, feeling safe enough to be an anchor because I have an awesome life jacket. Ready to SAIL!